Useful App: IFTTT

Ah, if-then logical constructs. The computer programmer’s bread and butter. Just another piece of logic for the rest of us. Here’s an example: If you promise to shut up about using if-then statements in your program, then I’ll be eternally grateful.

 

In the app IFTTT, if-then transcends the coding environment and is abstracted into a sort of matchmaker for a metric fuckton of your favorite apps. That is, you can say something like the following:

 

If

<New Picture is Acquired on Phone>

Then

<Post Picture to Facebook>

 

That right there is a QUALITY combo. Especially if you’re feeling all hot and bothered and decide to send that ol’ hoodrat Susie down the street a dick pic. Kind of like a miniature anti-Fappening. I did configure this pairing with my blog website instead of Facebook, so keep your eyes peeled for the day I slip up, forget to turn the app off, and whip out my member for the whole wide world to jeer at and harass me about what level magnification did I use for it.

 

Indeed, though, you can accomplish some truly miraculous things by breaking out your mortar and pestle and channeling your inner alchemist to concoct some crazy “recipes”, as they are termed internally to IFTTT. A list of popular and most widely shared recipes is available and frequently updated too, so you can mooch off other people’s cleverness to reap benefit in your own life. See the two orange tinted screenshots below. I apologize for the tint overlaid by the Twilight app for Android, but like so many creative types, my finest work is a nocturnal creature.

 

My recipes page. Here is where the fruits of your experimentation are listed.
My recipes page. Here is where the fruits of your experimentation are listed.

 

 

You can also see the top recipes and those rising in popularity.
You can also see the top recipes and those rising in popularity.

 

I wish to restrain myself from contracting blogospherical dysentery and bore you to tears with excessively long-winded posts. So I conclude by imploring you to check out IFTTT because it is legit. Yeah. Also the Sparkshots are brought to you by IFTTT’s naughty recipe for picture uploading.

Getting piss everywhere other than in the urinal or toilet? Learn these quick tips to quit hosing down the public restroom for good!

Title says it all. Without further ado:

 

  • Approach urinal or toilet.
  • Stand close (< 3 inches) to the urinal or toilet.
  • Undo trousers.
  • Keep it straight as the crow flies and pointed downward, within an angular range of 30 degrees to 45 degrees to the vertical depending on length of toilet / urinal.
  • Allow for urination to commence.
  • Redo trousers when urine stream has terminated.
  • Flush urinal or toilet!
  • Walk away from urinal or toilet to wash up afterwards.

 

In none of the above steps did I explicitly instruct you to wave your dick around like a runaway garden hose. So… why I see entire toilet bowl seats drenched in urine and pools of piss below urinal stations… I will never know. My only working hypothesis is that showering these vessels in pee enables guys to mark their territory, effectively shouting to the world HEY BRAH THIS IS MY BATHROOM, THIS IS MY PORCELAIN THRONE, I AM KING HERE or some other horseshit along those lines.

 

And you know, I get it… I get that sometimes, beyond your immediate voluntary control, the piss stream branches into 2 or more substreams. This phenomenon usually results in decidedly unintended downpours of urine on surfaces other than inside the bowl. But hey, there’s always the courtesy of wiping it the hell up after you’re done, yeah?

 

Let’s have a drink now and toast to commemorate the courageous and selfless effort of janitors nationwide to cleaning up these urinary Fukushimas. Hear hear!