Getting piss everywhere other than in the urinal or toilet? Learn these quick tips to quit hosing down the public restroom for good!

Title says it all. Without further ado:

 

  • Approach urinal or toilet.
  • Stand close (< 3 inches) to the urinal or toilet.
  • Undo trousers.
  • Keep it straight as the crow flies and pointed downward, within an angular range of 30 degrees to 45 degrees to the vertical depending on length of toilet / urinal.
  • Allow for urination to commence.
  • Redo trousers when urine stream has terminated.
  • Flush urinal or toilet!
  • Walk away from urinal or toilet to wash up afterwards.

 

In none of the above steps did I explicitly instruct you to wave your dick around like a runaway garden hose. So… why I see entire toilet bowl seats drenched in urine and pools of piss below urinal stations… I will never know. My only working hypothesis is that showering these vessels in pee enables guys to mark their territory, effectively shouting to the world HEY BRAH THIS IS MY BATHROOM, THIS IS MY PORCELAIN THRONE, I AM KING HERE or some other horseshit along those lines.

 

And you know, I get it… I get that sometimes, beyond your immediate voluntary control, the piss stream branches into 2 or more substreams. This phenomenon usually results in decidedly unintended downpours of urine on surfaces other than inside the bowl. But hey, there’s always the courtesy of wiping it the hell up after you’re done, yeah?

 

Let’s have a drink now and toast to commemorate the courageous and selfless effort of janitors nationwide to cleaning up these urinary Fukushimas. Hear hear!

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